First-Time Fund Raiser Wants Your Ideas

August 14, 2008

First-Time Fund Raiser Wants Your Ideas

David Hickman, the executive director of CharlotteONE, in Charlotte, N.C., has never written a direct-mail fund-raising letter before.

And he’s looking for your suggestions.

Mr. Hickman, who runs a nonprofit ministry group that reaches young adults and singles in Charlotte, has put together a draft letter and is hoping for some recommendations from Chronicle readers.

Below is a draft of Mr. Hickman’s letter. Please post a comment to share your (constructive) feedback.

Dear «First_Name»,

Every day young adults and singles are faced with life-defining decisions. Many are deciding which career path to pursue, whom they should marry and where they should live. However, according to the latest research, a vast majority of young adults are also deciding to walk away from Christ and the local church.

According to the Barna Research Group, young adults and singles across our nation are leaving the Christian faith in staggering numbers. Their research shows that close to 70% of twentysomethings, although spiritually active during their teenage years, want little or nothing to do with Christ or the local church as young adults. Because of this, America is now home to 24 million unchurched young adults and singles ages 16-29.

The effects of this spiritual pandemic are not only felt nationally but also locally as countless young adults and singles in the Charlotte area have been negatively affected as well.

Because of your past financial support, CharlotteONE has been able to help thousands of young adults and singles in the metro area reconnect with Christ and the local church. On Tuesday nights in Uptown, close to 500 young adults gather together as ONE for dynamic worship, Biblical teaching and authentic community.

Thank you for supporting our vision of seeing the young adults and singles of Charlotte come to know the love of God through Jesus Christ!

However, we need your continued support as we seek to fulfill this vision in our city for years to come.

The Board of Directors and I are currently in the process of raising our operating budget for the upcoming 2009 winter/spring, which runs from January – December. Our goal is to raise $64,000 by the end of this year. This amount includes staffing, programming and ongoing operating expenses.

Enclosed, we’ve included a giving slip that has different support options available. Please pray through and select an amount you would like to give towards the above goal and insert the slip in the enclosed prepaid envelope and place it in the mail! It’s that easy! Online giving is also available at www.charlotteone.org.

Thank you again for your generous support for what God is doing through CharlotteONE! If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask!

— Peter Panepento

Comments

Thanks for helping out with this project! Post away!

— David Hickman Aug 14, 03:03 PM #
My main suggestion is to start the letter out with the brief story of how ONE young person was impacted by the program. That is much more personal and compelling than talking numbers. Best of luck!

— Kimberly Lauth, CFRE Aug 14, 03:13 PM #
I agree that you need a story about a young person and why they turned away from the church and how ONE has helped bring him/her back to the church. That will validate your ministry and help compel people to give.

I think the prepaid envelope might not be a good idea either. Some donors will see this as lavish and don’t want their donation covering “their postage”. Having a donor add a stamp isn’t going to make them not give.

Also, can you give an idea of what a $20 or $50 donation will help you do? That will help quantify the donation for the donor.

May God bless your ministry!

— Steve Griffiths Aug 14, 03:32 PM #
Thanks Kimberly and Steve! Looking forward to more! This is fantastic!

— David Aug 15, 09:48 AM #
Read Psalm 127 – Use the analogy of the archer aiming his arrow… compared with the CRITICAL time is a young persons’ life. Once the arrow is released (the youth leaves for college) the path isn’t easily corrected! NOW is the critical time to youth come to a saving knowledge of our Lord. Barna has some good research numbers and statistics on this. God bless your efforts.

— Aaron Seacat Aug 15, 12:30 PM #
Definitely simplify your language and tighten your sentences in the first and second paragraphs. I think you are discouraging the reader from continuing by providing too much heavy information.

If they’re past donors, name the size of their last gift and, if you can, when they made it.

Most importantly, ask them for a specific gift. Asking them to “consider options” is asking them to lose interest. When they’re done reading your letter, you want them to be thinking “yes” or even “no”, but not “maybe.”

— Zach Aug 15, 12:41 PM #
I use the “above the fold or above the scroll” concept when writing solicitation letters. You have to thank and ask in the first couple of paragraphs or you run the real risk of your recipients not continuing to read your letter and getting to the purpose of the letter. People are use to 7 second sound bites and 10 second elevator speeches. Think of writing a letter this way. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking your donors are not busy individuals. And as someone has already pointed out, you are too fact and figure based for the average person.

— Leanna Aug 15, 01:03 PM #
First of all, I found the tone of the letter to be too negative from the beginning; it almost sounds accusatory. We’re I a young Christian reading this (instead of a Jew), I would be somewhat put off by the tone, and toss it. The tone should be like that of your fourth para.
I agree with others, in that the ask needs to be above the fold or the scroll. I would also include a story in which the ministry has affected one person, and place that towards the end. Statistics don’t sell, but stories generally do. The letter should be shorter, too. And clean up the grammar!

— Andrea Aug 15, 01:11 PM #
The religious intent of this letter seems inappropriate subject matter for this forum and makes me feel uncomfortable. I am in favor of reviewing letters from religious organizations when the focus of the fund-raising is humanitarian, but not when it has such a strong faith focus.

— Cat Aug 15, 01:13 PM #
I agree with the previous post abut the religious intent — it’s not about helping people in need, which is what most of us do; it’s about recruiting people for a specific religion, and that feels inappropriate in this forum.

having said that, the letter is way too long and lacking in a human interest component, as a few people already said. one of the other main problems, though, is that the donor isn’t acknowledged until the 4th paragraph. i also use a “You” test from some fundraising book i read: print the letter and circle any word containing ‘you’ — you, your, yours, you’re, etc. the page should be covered with circles. if not, you’re probably writing too much about your foundation and not enough about the donor and what they can do and will gain from supporting you.

also remember the most important thing in fundraising: nobody is as interested in what you are doing as you are. so make it short & sweet or you’ll never get their attention.

— Kim Aug 15, 01:45 PM #
You might also consider whether or not your clients (for lack of a better word; the young adults you work with) are donating to this important work. If they are, it’s important to acknowledge – at least I think so. I don’t know where to add it or how, but if they’re of adequate financial means and you’re influencing them spiritually and morally, they must somehow understand that there’s a financial connection. If I were a donor to this sort of work, I’d wonder whether or not the young adults are getting free religious and social connections on my dime or if they’re contributing. I mean, this work is important, but so is feeding the hungry and housing the homeless. Are these young people connecting to and working in their communities? Are you providing opportunities for this, so that my donor money is acting as a catalyst for these young adults PLUS those who are more materially in need (ie, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs: food/shelter come first). This is a flow of consciousness comment, so take from it what you will. Good luck!

— Jenny Aug 15, 01:56 PM #
I disagree with Andrea about the letter being shorter. I just returned from the AFP-DC/DMA Bridge Conference and the gurus basically said make the letter as long as it takes to tell the stories. Remember the recipient of the letter may have no idea what you do or who you benefit and that takes space to tell them. Also the P.S. is the most read section of the letter after the signature(which is read first). Effective use of the P.S. may encourage the reader to go back and read the entire letter.

— Tom Aug 15, 02:19 PM #
I agree with moving things around. Start with paragraphs 4,5,and 6, then 1,2,3. Paragraph 7 is clunky. I’d rather read about what great things my money will do rather than what your annual budget needs are. Why set the donor’s sight so low? I also think a story of changing someone’s life would be great if you could fit it in. And I agree that you need to state the last gift amount and ask for a specific amount this time that is a stretch. I know this might seem to contradict my earlier comment about not setting the donor’s sight too low, but I do think they are two separate aspects to the letter. I think this is a great forum and I am interested in hearing from and learning from all parts of the non-profit sector.

— Margie Aug 15, 02:36 PM #
While I agree with Cat and Kim that the content of this letter is inappropriate for this forum, I see why it’s here. The purpose of the letter is to raise money for a church’s operating budget, not necessarily to recruit more people to a specific faith. However, I too am extremely uncomfortable with the way the argument is being structured within the letter (if you don’t donate there will be fewer Christians), and even some of the comments that have followed, suggesting how to better word this argument (like including the psalm about the archer). I think that some of the comments here are helpful for any fundraiser, but I feel that the administrators of this site should have asked the site’s users to comment on a less controversial letter. It’s likely that more people would have felt comfortable commenting on such a letter.

— David Aug 15, 02:36 PM #
Be careful of what you write: “spiritual pandemic” means an uncontrolled spread of spirituality, which you do not mean. You mean a dirth of spirituality. Also, grantmakers are highly informed, and the data you quote does not support your claim that young people are no longer spiritual. The data indicate they are no longer Christian. Blurring the two could insult grantmakers who are well read.

— Dennis Taylor Aug 15, 02:48 PM #
I agree with some of the above posters. This isn’t an appropriate letter for a forum like this. It can be seen as exclusionary to those who are not Christian.

— Fairfax Aug 15, 02:57 PM #
“Spiritual Pandemic” is very compelling copy. Overall though, I agree with most of the commentators that you could focus on a personal story first that highlights your organization.

How were these folks recruited in the first place – by phone, through the mail?

Also, do include a prepaid business rely envelope – it lifts the likelihood of someone responding.

I’ll chime in as a progressive who doesn’t care that this is a ministry seeking help – they’re nonprofits too!

— Adam Waxman Aug 15, 03:12 PM #
Re: #15 It is not dirth, it is dearth (scarcity)

— Jane Talcott Aug 15, 03:39 PM #
You make a throwaway mention to the fact that countless people have been “negatively effected.” How so? You don’t make the case that not being Christian is an inherently bad thing. Do you have statistics that say when a person is not actively religious, he is x% more likely to use drugs or commit crimes, etc.? Perhaps people who are very strong Christians will see inherent value in bringing teenagers to Christianity, but many more people may not find it compelling. I agree with the earlier writer who said you should mention a community component — what exactly are you going to do with these youth besides having them read the Bible?

I would NOT make the letter longer than one side of the page. But you could include an enclosure that gives a more detailed profile of a young person you’ve helped, or that lists some of your statistics in bullet form, so that people who are interested in these numbers can review them easily and quickly.

Also, be more specific about what you want to do with the money you’re going to raise. I like that you list the total amount because it shows a concrete goal that you’re working toward, and you can keep donors updated on your website with how far along you are toward achieving this financial goal. But it’s not compelling if it’s not for a more specific cause.

— klm Aug 15, 03:46 PM #
I understand the discomfort of some posters with the issue of raising funds for a religious organization, but I thought it was interesting to see a real life situation and then to read the very practical suggestions and responses.

We may not all be comfortable with one another’s agency’s missions, but basically a well-thought out approach works regardless of what the purpose of the fund raising is. And, I’ve seldom seen so many responses to a request for help. It might be because of the subject and/or in might be because people were asked to help with a real problem.

— annetta Aug 15, 04:07 PM #
Thank you all so much for your responses. These have been very helpful! Thank you for your time and thoughts!

I understand some of the concerns regarding this post. However, please know that The Chronicle of Philanthropy nor CharlotteONE are trying to proselytize or exclude readers of this website.

CharlotteONE is a faith based organization that has a specific mission and vision that enriches the lives of young adults and singles in our community. In no way are we trying to impose our beliefs onto readers of this blog through our letter to past donors.

We value all readers regardless of their personally held beliefs. I hope that this heart will be extended back to us as you evaluate our letter.

I hope that you will be able to objectively read and critique our letter in light of the goal of this post.

This is my first fund-raising letter, and I need your help!

Thanks to all!

— David Aug 15, 06:34 PM #
All my would-be suggestions have already been posted – except maybe that in addition to a student story, I’d include a photo of the student in question or of youths attending a service. A nice B&W photo can be as effective as a color photo if you’re worried about some donors finding a color photo extravagant.

Re: the appropriateness of the letter’s beneficiary, I agree with post #17 that while I’m not Christian, we’re one big fundraising community. If some of the letter’s contents are perceived as controversial, let’s offer alternative suggestions rather than condemning the letter as a whole.

Providing specific examples like this for discussion, rather than discussing vague fundraising principles, is a more effective way to learn and (clearly) generates more interest from readers – including me:)

— Matt Aug 19, 12:39 PM #
Thanks for the reply, Matt.

This has been a useful exercise and we’re hoping others will be as open as David has in sharing his letter with the community.

Please feel free to contact me directly if you’d like to get feedback from your peers on a fund-raising question.

My e-mail is peter.panepento@philanthropy.com

— Peter Panepento Aug 19, 12:42 PM #
Again, very grateful to be a part of this experiment.

Keep the feedback flowing.

I’ll send the revised letter ASAP!

— David Hickman Aug 19, 02:07 PM #
Thanks so much for using a real-life example!

David, you’ve gotten great comments so far.

As you rewrite this fund raising letter, it may be helpful to tape a picture of your typical donor to your computer monitor. Then just have a conversation on paper. * What does she value? * What connections do you share? * Which story of a person would connect best with her?

If she’s a Christian, it’s not bad to talk her language. Something like “We’re excited about what God’s doing through CharlotteONE—and your past support helped make it happen!”

Another thing, most donors don’t care about the dates of your fiscal year. That’s probably wording you can cut-down significantly! (In fundraising letters, white-space is our friend!)

Hope that helps!

— Marc A. Pitman, Fundraisingcoach.com Aug 27, 11:40 AM #
And to folks that are uncomfortable with this organization’s mission, I’d like to think we’d be as open to offering advice to an LGBT organization.

Whether or not we agree with the mission, we can learn valuable things for our own fund raising.

Thanks for keeping the tone civil!

— Marc A. Pitman, Fundraisingcoach.com Aug 27, 11:44 AM #
This is way too long a letter. I made it through the first two parargraphs and stopped. Be brief and bullet ideas in the center for quick reading.

— lindsey brown Aug 28, 03:24 PM #

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