Crafting a First-Time Direct-Mail Appeal

October 16, 2008

Crafting a First-Time Direct-Mail Appeal

In August, Prospecting readers offered advice to the executive director of a Charlotte, N.C., ministry group who was attempting to create his organization’s first direct-mail campaign.

David Hickman, executive director of CharlotteONE, submitted the first draft of his letter. Readers replied with recommendations on how to improve the letter.

Mr. Hickman has since incorporated those ideas into the final version of his appeal, which appears below. We hope you’ll let us know what you think — and offer ideas for how to follow up on this appeal.

Here’s the new version:

Dear Prospective Donor,

In 2007, Brett Brocato moved to Charlotte with big hopes and big dreams of
finding a new life. He was ready for a change. However, the life-change
Brett experienced after moving to Charlotte was not what he had in mind.

After graduating from NC State with a Master’s Degree in Mechanical
Engineering, Brett eventually relocated to Charlotte where he came to the
stark realization that something was missing in his life — something his
successful career, increased salary, loving family or faithful girlfriend
could not fulfill or sustain.

The new life Brett was hoping to find in Charlotte turned out to be more of
the old with draining work weeks, few friends and no real sense of
community.

Brett felt strangely alone in a big city.

In typical southern fashion, a few of his work associates invited him to go
to church. Being agnostic towards the things of faith, Brett politely
declined their well-intended invitation. Brett was open to exploring the
possibility of God, but being an engineer, he had several intelligent
questions about the claims of Christianity that prevented him from crossing
the line of faith.

In January a friend told Brett about a large city-wide worship gathering of
young adults and singles in Uptown called, CharlotteONE. Intrigued that
close to 500 young professionals gathered together on Tuesday nights to
explore the claims of Christ, Brett decided to bring his questions to
CharlotteONE.

As providence would have it, the first night Brett came to CharlotteONE the
speaker was addressing the issue of the historical reliability of the Bible.
It was through this thought provoking, intelligent response to the questions
surrounding the Bible that Brett first seriously considered exploring
Christianity.

Brett recalls, “After hearing one of the CharlotteONE speakers talk about
the historical and textual reliability of the Old and New Testaments, at
that point, I could believably picture myself becoming a Christian.”

After spending time with a CharlotteONE staff member discussing more of his
questions and concerns, Brett not only continued to believably picture
himself becoming a Christian, but decided to embrace the claims of Christ
and become a Christian. Since then, Brett has joined a local church, served
as a missionary to orphans in Guatemala and is currently serving as a
committed volunteer with CharlotteONE every Tuesday night.

I’m able to tell Brett’s story in large part due to your faithful prayers
and financial support for what God is doing through CharlotteONE. Because of
your past financial support, CharlotteONE has been able to help hundreds of
young adults and singles like Brett reconnect with Christ, community and the
local church.

Thank you for believing in our vision of seeing the young adults and singles
of Charlotte come to know the love of God through Jesus Christ! We cannot do
it without you!

As we prepare for 2009, we would like to invite you into our financial goals
for the upcoming year.

Our operating budget for 2009 is $187,000. This includes staffing,
programming and ongoing operating expenses.

We need your help in achieving this goal!

Enclosed, we’ve included a giving slip that has different support options
available. Please pray through and select an amount you would like to give
towards the above goal and insert the slip in the enclosed prepaid envelope
and place it in the mail! Online giving is also available at
www.charlotteone.org.

Thank you again for your generous support for what God is doing through
CharlotteONE!

My prayer is that together as ONE we will see more lives changed in 2009!

********************************************************

If you’d like to submit your appeal letter so readers of Prospecting can offer their suggestions, please send an e-mail Peter Panepento.

— Peter Panepento

Comments

Crank away! Again, please know that we appreciate all faith views! Thanks for your help with the overall letter!

— David Hickman Oct 16, 05:40 PM #
Good job. Very compelling but LONG? Is long good?

— Mary Fioretti Oct 17, 02:11 PM #
The letter is certainly compelling – its just too long, looking more like an article for a newsletter. The prospective donor may “tune out” after the first few paragraphs, if its not trimmed down somewhat.

— D. Andrews Oct 17, 02:36 PM #
David,
Great story and letter. I do agree with Mary F. that it is a bit long (DM tends to be about 1 page), but I think it is as simple as tightening some things up at the bottom and that may help with the length. For instance: “I’m able to tell Brett’s story in large part due to your faithful prayers and financial support. We cannot do it without you and as we prepare for 2009, we would like to invite you into our financial goals for the upcoming year. Our operating budget for 2009 is $187,000. This includes staffing, programming and ongoing operating expenses.
We need your help in achieving this goal! Please pray fully consider a gift today in the amount of $_____, $________ or $__________. Whatever gift you are able to make, please know that . . .. .”
I don’t think you need to explain to the donors about the pledge card, but spend more time moving them to action. You can add the website address on the pledge card.

Again, great letter!

— Danielle Oct 17, 02:48 PM #
Way too long! This was my comment last time and the letter this time might be even longer. I stopped reading the “short story” after the fourth paragraph. Also, you have buried the ask at the bottom – again a concern of before. If this is being mailed to your faithful supporter, you will probably be okay. If not, edit, edit, edit.

— L Jack Oct 17, 03:24 PM #
David,

I like that you opened with a story and there’s no passive voice in your letter. Also, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a 2 page letter. In fact yours is only 1.5 pages as currently written (when put on 8.5×11 paper with 1-inch margins). It’s 587 words and that’s not too long. It just seems long to readers for reasons I outline below.

Here are just a few thoughts on what I would do to strengthen your letter even more: 1) Tighten up the story. I think it could easily be 40-50% shorter … it moves a bit slowly right now and this will also make it more engaging to the reader; 2) Introduce your mission or the reason for the letter sooner with just a sentence or two … then return to the story; 3) Your sentences are way, way too long … this makes the letter harder to read and another reason it moves slowly; 4) Change the salutation to “Dear Friend and Christian,” or “Dear Fellow Christian,” or something along those lines … I never use “Dear Prospective Donor” for a number of reasons; 5) Add an “ask” to page one; 6) Add a deadline for response in the closing; 7) Be more specific on how the money will be used; and 8) Add a P.S. that includes repeating the deadline. I think you’ll end up with a letter that’s only about 1.5 pages after incorporating these changes if that’s what you decide to do.

As for tips on what to do next: 1) Immediately send a thank you letter to everyone who sends donations; 2) For those who do not respond send a short 1 page (single-sided) letter reminding them of your request and why they are so important to enriching the lives of their neighbors and strangers . . . all through CharlotteONE . . . blah, blah, blah. It’s hard to say how long to wait before sending the reminder because there’s so much I don’t know about your situation. Consider waiting 4-6 weeks. Then send the reminder and yet a 2nd reminder down the road if need be.

Karen Zapp, Fundraising Copywriter
http://www.PKscribe.com

— Karen Zapp Oct 17, 04:00 PM #
Way too long. The story is too smarmy and sounds made up. Be direct, get to the point.

— evelyn Oct 17, 04:43 PM #
I agree, compelling story and very interesting but way too long. Never should it be more then 1 page. Too many “!” used at the end which I find distracting. I also might open with a catch, something like this: Thank you for believing in our vision of seeing the young adults and singles of Charlotte come to know the love of God through Jesus Christ. Can I take a minute of your time to tell you a story of one young man’s journey to reconnect with Christ, community and the local church?”

— Pam Oct 20, 11:04 AM #

Commenting is closed for this article.

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