Crafting Winning Appeals: Will Donors Pay for Airfare Costs?

November 16, 2008

Crafting Winning Appeals: Will Donors Pay for Airfare Costs?

Jed Margolis, executive director of Maccabi USA/Sports for Israel in Philadelphia, is looking for advice from readers on a draft of a direct-mail letter his organization is planning to send to potential donors in the coming weeks.

Below is a draft of his letter. Readers are encouraged to offer their ideas for improvements by posting a comment. As always, we ask that your ideas be constructive.

Dear Maccabi Supporter,

If you have flown anywhere recently (and, I suppose, even if you haven’t), you know what’s happening to air fares.

Fuel surcharges … security and baggage fees … airline pricing schemes. Today’s inflated air fares are having a tremendous impact on our getting Team USA to Israel this summer.

I’m writing to ask for your help.

Here’s the bottom line:

Roundtrip air fare to Israel for the 2005 Maccabiah Games was $1,400. We anticipated an increase this year and budgeted $1,800 per ticket. Now it turns out the cost will actually be $2,100!

That’s $300 more than we expected for each ticket. And we have to buy a lot of them.

I’ve negotiated the best deals I could. For prior Games, the airline was willing to charter us an entire plane — or two — so that we could fly to Israel together as a Team.

But, no more. Seats today are priced individually at different rates, so we’ve had to get the best rates we could, where we could, in much smaller lots.

We have made deposits to secure our reservations. Now, final payment in full is due next month.

Will you make a special donation today to help cover the additional expense for tickets? I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t so critical.

All told, we’re planning on sending a contingent of nearly one thousand people to this summer’s Games — that’s about 850 athletes plus 150 coaches, managers, medical staff, and our Team Rabbi. It’s going to be our greatest showing yet of our solidarity with the People of Israel and Jews everywhere. But first we have to get there.

We have already increased the registration fee athletes contribute to the Maccabiah Games. It covers transportation. However, we know that many of our athletes will need financial assistance in order to meet their obligations — and Maccabi USA has promised to cover part of the cost for others traveling with the Team.

So, I’m turning to you, our Team USA supporters.

You joined the Maccabi USA family out of pride in our athletes’ competitive spirit … and in support of an event that gives young men and women from throughout the Diaspora the opportunity to connect with Israel and their Jewish heritage.

Now the 18th Maccabiah Games are just around the corner. They’re also across an ocean.

Please help Team USA get there. Please help cover the cost of the plane tickets they must have. It’s such a basic element of travel, and so essential to the Games.

Please return the enclosed form with however much you can contribute. Every one of the athletes who get to go to Israel in July will thank you — as I do now.

Sincerely,

Jed Margolis
bq. Executive Director
bq. Maccabi USA

P.S. Again, final payments for plane tickets are due next month. Please let me hear from you soon to ensure we have all the seats we’ll need.

To submit your own letter for a critique by Prospecting readers, send an e-mail message to Peter Panepento

— Peter Panepento

Comments

Maybe it’s because I’m not familiar with your organization, but I don’t think you make an emotional appeal. It’s all about money. The only part that speaks to why someone would donate is, “You joined the Maccabi USA family out of pride in our athletes’ competitive spirit … and in support of an event that gives young men and women from throughout the Diaspora the opportunity to connect with Israel and their Jewish heritage.” But why is it so important?

Also, how much are you expecting them to give? $300 to cover the additional cost for one ticket? I don’t see levels, just ‘however much you can contribute.’ If you say that, they your donors may only give $25. I also think you should put the full amount that you need to cover the travel. It’s a lot of money if you’re talking 1000+ people, but you should definitely put the goal.

Good luck!

— Robin Nov 17, 01:57 PM #
The letter provides a proper balance between urgency and financial need, but like Robin’s post, I am missing the long-term benefit of the gift. How do athletes, coaches, etc, advance the value of coming together in a show of support beyond the games? As a potential contributor, I would be interested in knowing what investment the athletes are asked to make in the games. Finally, if an athlete is returning to the games, a testomonial how his/her life was impacted because of participating in the games would be meaningful (and if you did not have a returning member, a former member’s comment could be good.)

Oh, and two more things, do you have a website link to include so that readers can learn more about your ogranization and your needs beyound plane fare? And, if you have some team capitains willing to lend their names to the letter, sign the letters with athletes names along side your own.

Best of success.

— Michael Nov 18, 02:29 PM #
I think this the letter is very well written and structured. Easy to read, conversational tone. Clear statement of need. Specifics about how donation will be used. And a rapidly approaching deadline.

I do however agree with the previous two posters that a human interest story would strengthen the communication.

A simple,cost-effective, and engaging way to add this element to the package might be a stand alone photo of an athlete with a little handwritten note on the back that explains how the subject’s life was impacted by the organization.

— Dalton Nov 18, 02:54 PM #
My guess is that the recipients of this mailing already understand the importance of the games and may be on board to support the cause without a more emotional appeal. There’s nothing wrong with saying what you want and need when budgeted forecasts fall short in difficult times – but I believe a more specific request would have greater impact on the reader, i.e. “At 1,000 tickets, that’s a shortfall of $300,000 we must cover in less than 30 days – can we count on your immediate and urgent support?” and maybe also “if everyone in receipt of this letter contributes $150 (for example) today (underline or italicize ‘today’), Team USA will be on their way to the games!” Also, I like the “around the corner…across the ocean” sentence, i.e. “so close and yet so far away.” Good luck!

— Stacie Nov 18, 03:20 PM #
This is a solid letter overall. I like the conversational, frank tone, which makes me trust your words. I’d shorten it, though — make it no longer than one page. And move the “why this matters” part up to the front of the letter and elaborate on the importance/impact of attending the games, as other commenters have suggested. I also agree you should include the total amount you’re hoping to raise. At first, saying tickets are up by $300 doesn’t sound like a big deal until you give us the sheer numbers of people you’re talking about sending. But at the beginning of the letter, the $300 reference made me feel that you were begging for pennies, which doesn’t make your organization look solid or accountable.

— kg Nov 18, 05:10 PM #
I agree with most of these posts. If I (the donor) feel like I’m sending these athletes to the games, and you make it clear why that is so important, I’d be far likelier to give more to make sure they get there. Focus on the impact, and then supply the donors with the details to show your integrity and transparency.

— Alison Nov 19, 04:24 AM #
I agree with posters 1 through 4, but I have a question for kg, #5. Why do you think the letter would be better if it were shorter? If the writer were to improve it based on the above comments—-make the impact clearer sooner and add a testimonial—that will probably serve to lengthen this letter. Even with its current imperfections I found it engaging and read it to the end. Seems to me making it shorter would not give enough information to truly grab the reader.

— Stacey (with an EY) Nov 19, 02:33 PM #

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Crafting Winning Appeals: Will Donors Pay for Airfare Costs?

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